Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally outside of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

• 
  

  A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


• 
  

  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


• 
  

  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")

  
  


• 
  

  And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have One more position where by American men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: give everyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

• 
  

  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


• 
  

  Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

  
  


• 
  

  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"That is smooth electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The Trump Tower Damascus UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he must end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a element currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It can be not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

• 
  

  A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment

  
  


• 
  

  A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"

  
  


• 
  

  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

  
  

Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.